i think i misplaced my heart.

i've not been posting since school got out. not here, anyway. things have been pretty busy with college life! i'm still with my awesome boyfriend, rj. it's almost been seven months, and while we didn't actually do anything for our six months, it's alright. we're kind of the relax and chill together kind of people. i've just been hanging out around my community college with friends and trying to survive in school. it gets hectic sometimes! i've been working too, as a game adviser in game stop. it's a pretty crazy job, and you get some weird people! a few days ago, my supervisor, matt, got yelled at by a guy who said he was discriminating against his son for not letting him in the store with his dirty cleats, though matt had told the kid to just clean off his shoes out in front before coming in so he wouldn't track dirt everywhere. it's actually a really hard job, trying to keep up and all that stuff. it's not fun and games at all, but that's what i expected.

i've been working on my photography, though i really need to start working on pulling an actual portfolio together. i just have a lot of pictures of me. but with my hectic schedule, i barely have time for that now. it's really crappy. i'm probably going to take a bunch of self portraits today. i've been taking quite a few, you can view them at my myspace (http://www.myspace.com/omg_pandaman) or something.

anyway, i don't really have much to say today. things have just been alright. :]

i also got my aviator glasses. 8D

mass update of blogs that i never posted

18 - 19 April 2009 - Love

This isn't just my English blog, you know. :P

So 18 April 2009 was prom. it was both the best and worst night of my life because of drama with my ex-boyfriend. since i last updated, i don't think i mention jacob and i broke up...or did i? i can't remember. i can't say i'm better now that we have. in fact, i'm worse, and i regret breaking up with him, which has to do with my story that i'm about to tell in a minute. 

so i was super excited for prom (said in the most obnoxious metro voice possible) and i went out with my godmother to shop and we met my mom for lunch. afterwards we got home with two hours to get ready...which we promptly used up goofing around my mom's bathroom. it was still fun with lots of laughter. my date--RJ--came to my place around 4. My stepdad came upstairs and was like, "there's a guy looking extremely uncomfortable downstairs, hurry up." lol. so we took pictures, and RJ and i held hands and kissed a little. we had already been kissing and hugging and holding hands for the last two weeks, so it was whatever with us.

after the usual army of parents taking pictures of the ten people in our group, (FAIL COMPUTER, it keeps disconnecting) we crammed into our ten-person limo. it was really crowded, but the ride was fun. we talked and joked about and took pictures. caitlyn and christian looked like they were about to bang each other (in the sexual way) in every picture i took of them. ahahaha. RJ and i kissed a few times and stuff. no big deal. we got to dinner and ate at the Jazz Kitchen, which was cool. we saw other groups there too.

so we got to the actual prom right on time and our group split. then came the drama when i walked into the actual convention center and saw Jacob. i nearly broke down right there. i had to run out and stuff. it was bad. D: well, when i got over myself (at least, i thought i had), i went up to the casino by myself. worst mistake ever because i went upstairs and there he was, right in the doorway. his back was to me. camille gestured to me to come stand by her so we could talk but i mouthed that i couldn't and gestured to jacob before turning tail and running out. i ended up crying. he ignored me when he walked past me too, which really hurt, one because i was paying so much attention to him, and two because we've been friends for 9 years and he doesn't acknowledge i exist anymore. well, nick came over to me (i'm seriously summarizing, there's a lot more to this) and he was nice enough to talk to me. i didn't want to get his night down or anything, but he insisted, so we went inside to find a quiet place to talk.

he told me i should concentrate on RJ. i thought he was right and agreed that i would. i went out and found RJ and we danced in the dance hall for a little bit before going outside for some fresh air. we slow-danced on the patio (he isn't much of a dancer, i was realizing), but it was nice. being in his arms, knowing that he loved me--he reminded me so many times, but in a quiet voice that i never get tired of...i realized that i had to move forward because i was keeping one of the most amazing people waiting. we walked to where nick and i had been talking and he stood there with his arms around me and his head tilted down to lean on mine...i felt amazed then and there.

when we left, our limo driver had been nice enough to get us a bigger limo because we looked cramped. XD that was cool. we spread out and were just talking and stuff. it was cool. a lot of things happened, but i'll talk about that in another post. XD

anyway, so the next day, i had to cover for amanda, so RJ came with me to the church where we made out in the booth and talked and that's about it. well, and worked, obviously. when we were done, we walked to corky's and ate some lunch before i went back home to clean and stuff. i ended up texting jacob a whole lot and crying because i wanted him to take me back, but he wouldn't. he told me rather bluntly that he didn't think i was the one for him, which made me sad because i liked him so much. i guess i'll talk about that more when i'm less tired.

afterwards though, i just came to terms with a lot of things.

since then, RJ and i have been dating. <3

11 or 12 May 2009 – Humility

I sat there at my desk, thoughtful, but shaky. I wanted a stog, but I had promised I’d stopped smoking. I wanted to move, but I had to sit still and listen to someone in the class and all their arrogance about life. This girl (who will remain unnamed) sat there and talked about being the best—how she was the best, how she blah blah blah—I try my hardest to tune her out. But it sort of proved my point—wait, wait, now I sound arrogant. I guess there’s no really escaping it. Were we not all to be like Tess, we would have the humility to admit we’re wrong, we’re stupid, we don’t know how much we know about the world.

Crap, crap, I should just finish my bracelet. Ahhh, but I can’t go without putting my twopence in, so I’m going to say something anyway. My point is, we don’t have the humility it takes to be a functioning part of society. Not without being gravely disliked—and teenagers wonder why adults dislike us (never hate, we’ll be okay one day, the adults like to believe), but nonononono, teenagers wonder why we don’t get hired. It’s because we give off the aura of “the way we do it is the right way,” there is no open-mindedness there. We don't have the humility to be like Tess--to admit that we made a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't take it as far as Tess and blame everything on herself, but we need to realize that we do make mistakes. We do stupid things.

Kyle, next to me, says, "Hindsight is 20/20." I agree with him, and at first, I withhold, but then I end up voicing it because I don't do much else in that class, I may as well participate in the discussion.

I feel people dislike what I say, and I can’t bring my eyes to meet the teacher’s. I frown a little. On the inside, but I don’t let it show on the outside. I keep working on my bracelet while I idly talk. Oops, I’ve lost my place.

Mrs. Elliott finishes what I’m saying, and I nod my head. Meh, what do I say about that? I don’t know, it’s whatever, I don’t really care anymore. I tilt my head to the side and we finish watching the movie. Kyle’s picking out threads and colours from the vast collection I have—he doesn’t have much colour sense, but then again, neither do I, so I guess he and I have something in common. We laugh about it because he chose this awful yellow colour to go with dark red, purple and the deepest blue you can think of.

I end up going to his girlfriend for colours instead.

 18 May 2009 – Strangeness

We talked about strangeness, and I listened to a speech. I can barely remember what it was about, just that it had to do with the fact that cells get reused and we’re all essentially reincarnations of people like Shakespeare and (if they really existed), Adam and Eve. It was deep, kind of weird, and yeah, strange. Savoring the strangeness is what she called it (Mrs. Elliott, I mean). It kind of neat, and I immediately thought of my teacher, Mrs. Chertkow and how neat she’d think it was and stuff. I don’t know. I guess if you believe in reincarnation, it’s an important.

I thought about all my strange quirks. The first thing that would come to everyone's mind is that I bite people. I try not to bite hard, but I do usually. It's hard to control how hard your jaw comes down on someone's arm. I have mood swings, but that's not strange, that's just PMS. I narrate my life in my head as it's happening. I feel the need to be violent to adorable things (like eating them). I eat a ton considering my size. I'm always sleepy (not tired like teenagers, but sleepy, like a sloth). 

What else?

I don't register pain correctly. Like this one time, in tech, I drilled my hand and only noticed it because blood was everywhere. I was like, "o hai thar mr. drill-hole-in-my-finger." yeah. no sense of pain whatsoever.

uuuuhhhmmm....whatelse? i snuggle with a giant whale at night? O.o

huh.

20 May 2009 - Catching Up

I have so much to catch up on. I think I'm all set with the discussion board, there's only so many long winded response to the discussions I can make. People tend to say the same thing over and over and over and over again. I try to respond to others, but it's hard when they said the same thing you did (or vice-versa). On top of that, I say everything in one long winded post. But I think I'm good to go with that. LOL. I don't know, it's hard to keep up with this class. 

The ISP is due tomorrow, and I've barely started. I probably shouldn't say that, because Mrs. Elliott is reading this but...oh well, at least I'm honest. :P Anyway, I think I might do this on the picture of Dorian Gray just because I have an easier time with it. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime is good, but...I can't grasp the deeper meaning very well. :( I feel dumb, it's such an easy and short book to read, but I don't register the main themes. I know it has something to do with lying and children...or something. I don't know.

Ugh. I suck at English, I hate it when everyone says I'm really good at it. :(

Yesterday, we had a very interesting discussion in class (English). Not only was I reminded of how I think, and what I believe, I was also reminded why I don't pay attention to some people (that I will not name). On a more serious note, I can't not believe what the Epilogue of Invisible Man says. People only want to live in their own circumstances, not in what reality may be. People want to rid themselves of misery, want to get rid of pain and will only really hear what they want; everyone has selective hearing when it involves themselves. Even if they are told to their face what is wrong--they find out that part of them they keep hidden away--they don't change. They may want to, but they won't. People don't change, they don't want to step out of that bubble because it puts them into the unknown and the unknown is what human nature fears the most. It's why we're always trying to find out new things, discover new places, even stretching ourselves into the outreaches of the space--we are afraid of unknown. No one is afraid of Death, they are afraid of what comes after.

But there's always the exception that proves the rule. The exception where someone wants to change. That addict who goes into rehab to get over whatever the hell he's addicted to and he'll never take another drink or another pill or another smoke as long as he lives. ...but the reality is, he just didn't live long enough to give in to what he wanted. Nobody changes; they only cover up who they really are.

I haven't changed. I've put layer after layer after layer over who I am. The scars on my arms and my legs and my stomach and my chest and back are all proof of that. I haven't changed one bit. Rather than slits, I have bruises now. Even if I never cut myself for as long as I live, I'll still hurt myself somehow. People don't change. Much like the protagonist wrote in Invisible Man, people want only to hear what they want to hear. They can't move past that to the basic idea that there's a reality that can't be avoided, because reality is ugly. We fight for peace, we kill over silly things, and the mob mentality that takes over when we're in a group of people forces us to become nameless people with no face and no brain. What do we become then--little more than a herd of wild animals?

Life is pain--anyone who says otherwise is covering for something. People aren't smart--until we can pull ourselves into true individuality, where are we? What are we doing? Why are we here, existing, if we're only going to go along with the mob? I couldn't care less if it's the mob that's rioting or if it's the peace brigrade, I don't have the individuality when I'm with them, but instead I'm with the group who thinks they're individuals and are the myspace, youtube, and internet whores who try their hardest to earn the fame they won't get in reality. No one has individuality anymore--not like what the Invisible Man was capable of attaining--moving past people and into the very idea itself, surpassing the pain and sadness and absolute crap of the world.

Our goal in life isn't to eliminate misery. It's to keep it to a minimum.

problematic

everything's a pain lately. i mean everything. it's so absolutely disgusting to me how much lack of motivation i have at the moment. english, ap government, life, home, relationships...i have no motivation to do anything at the moment. it's sad--pathetic, actually. i'm frustrated; i'm losing people and i'm losing them fast. i don't know what to do about it or whether i'm over reacting or what. not only that, this week has to be the worst week of the school year. it's so...UGH. in a bad way. i don't know what i'm doing half the time. :(

at the moment, my biggest frustration is myself. i don't know what i'm doing in class, i can't remember half the things going on, and i feel like i'm lagging again. like in english today, i had no clue what we were talking about. i kind of said some stuff (i guess it must have been right because mrs. elliott went off it, but i don't know), but really, i was so brain dead for most of the class. on monday i fell asleep (or tuesday, i can't remember), which i've never done in that class before. i felt bad afterwards, since i sit in the front row. i feel inattentive and i don't know what i'm doing most of the time.

not only that, i'm frustrated with myself. my temper flares so easily--it's so close to the surface nowadays that it's obnoxious. i explode at really small things and i need to destroy something most of the time. at the moment, i don't feel that. i just feel tired and sad. but my mom told me something on monday, and man, it makes me feel crappy because it lingers in my mind all the time. like, she told me that i'm self-centered and i don't have humility, so now i'm constantly trying to keep that in mind. i'm so affected by everything she says, but i don't think she knows it. i tried to tell her, but she just said she knew and that i was over dramatizing everything. that made me upset. we fought pretty hard, and i'm not going to put everything down, but my week went terrible. even with my dad. :( the only good thing that happened was behind the wheel, and i found out i'm not terrible at driving, having only driven two times.

on top of everything, tyler had promised me he'd never leave me or go away because he loves me and blah blah blah. :( he said he'd always be there for me. today, he told me he's going to Webb, which is on the other side of the goddamn country from here. i know i'm being selfish. i know i'm being unreasonable, but what the **** is he thinking when he wants a relationship with me but is moving to New York to attend a 1000 person college. D: i'm so upset that i'm crying at the moment. UUUUUGHGHHGHIGLSN GD LGpo'WJgoips;'l/. *bashes keyboard*

so upset.

i need someone who will be there for me when i need him--physically and emotionally. i can't have a long distance relationship because i need someone there for me physically too--not sexually, not that way, but i need to be hugged and held when i'm having a hard time because that's the way i need to be comforted. WTF is he thinking when he promises to ALWAYS do that and then he tells me he's going away? his reason was, "after visiting webb, i feel more comfortable than i did at UCSD. i don't feel comfortable at UCSD." he's a sad ass liar, because when he visited UCSD, he wouldn't shut up about it. UGH. i'm so pissed right now it's not even funny. the nice thing is, he tells me about it about five minutes before he gets off the phone. it took me an hour to even register and start crying and feel sad. and now, i can't even talk to him about it since he's ****ing working. D: uuuugh. i want to talk to him about it.

i know i'm being stupid and unreasonable. so don't tell me i am.

i can't stand how upset i've been feeling lately, and this just made it worse. D: ugh.

with all this, there's RJ. there's no way to explain how torn i am at the moment. i like him. seriously. he's so...different from everyone i've dated, but similar to all of them. but i'm not ready for a dedicated relationship. i can't handle commitment right now, as i am. i've found that i tend to slide into relationships because i feel that need to be needed--it fills what i don't get at home. i'm not really needed at home--no one really acts like they want me around or anything. in fact, i'm pretty invisible at home. i guess it ties into Invisible Man, and how he isn't seen by people because they don't feel the need to see him. but the difference between me and him is that i'm not a story book character and, as a human, as a teenager in this modern day and age, i feel the need to be seen. i want to be noticed and when people notice me, i end up in a relationship with them.

so i can't handle that dedication.

i can't handle life right now. i think i'm going to cry once i've posted my essay. :(

Candy is good.

Thank you, Mrs. Elliott, for helping me work toward getting my first cavity. :D

Uhhmmmm....so what did we do today in class? I laughed a lot, and I was okay during school until I went to see Jacob during second lunch. :( I wanted to go die in a corner again, but fortunately, I didn't. It was weird, seeing him okay and doing what he usually does...I feel terrible, and deep down, I know I still like him. I doubt he'll ever read this, but I know that, at the moment, I still have a crush on him. The sad thing is that I tend to fall for people easily. I seriously think I'm pansexual at this point, because gender and sexuality don't play a part of who I fall for anymore. I came to the sad realization that, while I still like him, and I can't get over him--I keep myself from him. It's so difficult and complicated...

At any rate, English was blah today. :P It was interesting, and it's the most active I've been in a long time in an English class, so it was different. I've been less outspoken than I used to be, but at the same time, there's that part of me that can't help but be like that. Uhhhh...I don't even know what to think at the moment. I felt really distracted, so I moved, and now I feel less distracted. Today we looked at the Invisible Man prologue. I feel bad because I can't answer one of the questions on the discussion board very well because...well...I never read Frankenstein or Poisonwood Bible. I don't think I'm going to either. Not with my schedule as packed as it is.
Ugh, my grade is so bad right now...heeeellllpppp. *dies*

Ah, the Invisible Man is fun to read, but I get tired. I can't read like I used to anymore. I feel old talking like that but it's true...hmm.

The Invisible Man

I can always be interested in a character--nameless or not; a nameless character, while anonymous, gives me the connection I have with this particular character. There are always people in this world that a person can meet, but not always do I know their name or where they came from or what their past is, and it is not always necessary to know. The same is with this character; I have no need for his name or his past, but knowing that he is similar to me--"invisible" to 99.9% of the world's population--helps me make a connection with him. Perhaps it is the only thing we have in common (I can assure you, it isn't), but it is a bond that ties me inevitably to the core of his being.

In this sense, keeping his character nameless, making him speak in the way he does--that is to say, a train of thought type pattern (if you've ever narrated your life in your head like I have, then you'd understand, surely)--builds the empathy for Mr. No-Name. I could never show sympathy to his character (as many seem to confuse the two and think them similar), but I can understand the beginning of his thoughts.

Maybe this will change as the book wears on--I know not yet, as I have only read the first two chapters. But I know this: while he is naive, and unknowing of the world, I can relate to him--he engages my own personal character that I have built within myself as my own story is written, and I cannot deny that he and I have a common strand. As he grows, perhaps that common strand may be the only thing he and I are connected by.

But isn't there some red thread that connects us all?

----

There is this part of me that, of course, can always connect to a character in some way (except, perhaps, Huckleberry Finn. The only way I can possibly like him is for his name, which is the name of my favorite berry pie).

Yet this character has reached a part of me that I had thought I had buried inside. Today, in class, we were asked to write about a time when we were invisible, or at least felt like it (because no one on record has ever really been invisible, except maybe ninjas, but they were just hiding). At any rate, I wrote creatively, mostly because it's the only style of writing I'm capable of these days. Here is what I came up with:

Do you believe in that stuff? Reincarnation?

Nobody's proved it.

Would things change if I weren't around?

For a long time, that's all I ever thought. (Well, maybe 7 years really isn't all that long.) It wasn't a "phase"--I realize that everyone and their silly monkies have that stage in life--but know that it was an honest to God feeling that I didn't matter that much. I have scars to prove it--at least 70 physical and too many mental ones to count, things like that. (Who doesn't these days?) Attention was what I craved--or maybe I just wanted a distraction from the grating loneliness. I liked to drift, much like that little plastic bag in that one movie I never care to remember the name of--friend to friend to friends and back to loneliness and solitude. I was okay. (What a broad word.) No one said anything when I came and went. To them I was probably just a blur--the shadow that you think is there, but when you look, it's gone. I wasn't noticeable. (Because I didn't merit notablity, which was, again, okay.)

If I were reincarnated, would things be any different?

I still feel like that from time to time. I don't always go quite as unnoticed, or invisible, or whathaveyou. (But in the end, I'm only one person.) Like a breath on the raging wind--the hum of words that hangs on the edge of my lips, unspoken--and the stale air between me and the rest of the world...I do not exist.

It poses the question that I think has been hanging around English for a long time--the value of life and being invisible. Linking the two is relatively easy--yet it poses so many questions. It's that thought that you're not as big as you think you are; as Mr. Burd would say, it would lower one's "efficacy" by a substantial amount. I can't begin to comprehend why I feel this way, or what makes me think that I am not...well, worth anything, because barely 99.9% of the population of this planet is even aware I exist. The world, as we know it is but the space in which our five senses can comprehend.

And where exactly is that in the end?

So Things Are a Little Insane...

well, lately at least. i have to blog for my english literature class, but i'm not entirely sure what to say. i think a lot of things in the class--mostly narrating what i'm thinking (because i like to narrate my life in my head--it's a weird quirk), but i can't remember everything i think at the end of the day, let alone when i get only a week later so i can actually blog those ideas.

on the other hand, i've been busy working on my photography--here's a crappy image of it created from deviantart. so much love for them for making my high quality images craptacular. you'd have to actually go to the site to see it. i spent about two and a half hours with jaelene and r.j. doing this photoshoot at the park. it was in this lovely area that people affectionately (not really) call stoner creek. it was fun, especially because it really let out jaelene's girly side. :P

lately, i've been feeling a lot of pressure--not even from a lot of people. my mum's putting a reasonable amount of pressure on me, so i don't blame her. but i don't know. i broke up with my boyfriend recently--jacob--even though things were going pretty well between us. i don't know, i think he deserves better. i think some part of me knew it wouldn't work quite right and some part of me hoped it would, but then i pulled a house because regardless of what people think, i am very much like him, but he can say and do what i can't. which may be why i like him so much.

anyway, i pulled a house and everything went flying down the toilet. i mess things up a lot, and i'm not about to mess up his life. i had asked him why he liked me, and his reply was one i wasn't sure what to say to. i came to the realization that he really didn't know a whole lot about me anymore--and at the same time, he knew me completely. it scared the crap out of me. i can't justify what i did and how i broke up with him. my reasons sounded so arbitrary and weak. i didn't know what to say or do or even think. at that point, i knew i had just messed up. 

i know it's in the past. but i have a hard time getting over it. i see him and i start crying; i can't help but break down on the spot and start rushing to the next class because i can't take it anymore. it hurts to see him, and it hurts to be with other people.

i'm so lost and confused right now.